The overtired baby who wouldn't sleep, without his mamma

Jeremy, please, please, just go to sleep so I can have some quite time to work on my goals today! 

*****

I worked so hard on Saturday to prepare for Sunday. This year I'm going to be on time to church, keep my meals simple on Sunday so I can do things that build me spiritually. I did the laundry, laid out Jeremy's clothes, we made a play-by-play schedule to keep us on track for the morning, I measured and chopped all my ingredients for my crock-pot meal, I stayed up a little late making the tortillas so I didn't have to spend the time in the kitchen on Sunday. I even packed our Sunday bag only short of the sippy-cup full of milk (goats milk that is) that was already filled and sitting in the fridge, waiting and ready to go. The house was cleaned, the groceries were purchased, the only chores left to go were going to wait until Monday. The only thing that didn't happen was a shower, because we spent some time playing games with friends/neighbors we spontaneously invited over (totally worth it).

I was ready for Sunday --for some time to focus on finishing my goals.

We were on time. Not early, but at least on time. We did it. Our Sunday was off to a good start! Church ends at noon and I have so much time to do "Sunday things."

And somehow I wasn't able to focus on the important things I wanted to do during Jeremy's first nap of the day which happened to be about 2 hours late (oye for 2-a-day naps and 3 hours of church). Lots of phone calls, messages to reply to, and odds and ends, and baby wakes.

...as for the second nap.

Lots of screaming. No nap.

Dinner time. Lots of playing. Video chatting with grandma. Fussiness. Time for bedtime. Bath time. Pajamas. Medicine for teething. Nursing...attempt. Wigggle-wormy, squirmy, tired, fussy. Time for crib.

Screaming. Lots of screaming.

Car ride with dad.

Sleeping baby!

...crying.

Removed from carseat. Nursed. Put in crib.

Screaming. More and more screaming! 

Teething? Overtired? Thirsty? Hungry? Jeremy, please, please, just go to sleep so I can have some quiet time to work on my goals today! 

Peanut butter, honey, banana sandwich. Bottle of milk (goat's milk). Playing. Crawling. Back to the bedroom. 

Jeremy, please, please, just go to sleep so I can . . . go write out my goals about being a better mom. 

Sigh.

Just be present. Here. Now. Just be with him. He needs me right now. He's been happy cuddled in my arms and cries in the crib. Just be his pal, his loving mamma, his comfort when he needs it. 

We sit on the floor together. Pull some blankets out the the blanket bin, get our favorite blanket from the crib, cuddle-up, nurse a little, sit a little. I giggle silently as he just sits and rests his head on my bare skin. He sits up, lays down, scoots around. I lay down on the floor and try to get him to do the same. Some resistance. Finally his little head crashed down. We lay check-bone to check-bone. No. It's more like check-bone to entire small little face smooshed up against mine as he's perched on his tummy with his bum a little up.

Breath.

I listen. I hear his deep nasally breaths that are borderline snores, the intermittent squeaks of a pacifier, my deep steady breaths. I pull the blankets up around us. I try to sneak my arm out from under his head in preparation for my later escape. His arm reaches over to me. His little hand finds my nose. I giggle a silent giggle as he holds on for reassurance --"Mom is still there." I notice his little fingers and soft skin. I take it all in. I shift slowly. His arm is quickly tossed around my neck, hanging on. We breath.

My mind starts trying to find the words to capture the moment.

Just take it all in. Soak it all up. My busy, toddling-baby is snuggling with me. Breath. Feel his soft skin against mine. His little eyelashes that flutter against my face. Just feel it all. His soft hair, his sweet diapered-bum, his little hands. His need for his mamma. 

I shift. He sits up, adjusts, and lays next to me, close and still.

Jeremy, please, please, just help me not overlook the precious moments of motherhood so that I can truly achieve my goals! 

*****

This year I'm going to be present with my son. My goals are more than words in a google doc, they're the actions that I will live. Moment. By. Moment.