Breastfeeding: My Story

DISCLAIMER: This was originally written for my journal and not intended as a blog post. I did not write this with you as my audience. I wrote it, just to write it. For me. For my personal history. It is indeed about breastfeeding and my experience with it and my opinions about it. It's not written to persuade or even to educate. And it's definitely not written to guilt. It was just written as a history; however if you feel bad about how your breastfeeding experience turned out or if you get defensive about choosing to formula-feed when there is so much push for breastfeeding then maybe don't read it. I'm not here to start a mommy-war. Not my intention in the least! And lots of babies turn out perfectly healthy via formula or whatever system of food consumption worked out for them. I know all that. But if you are going to be bothered hearing thoughts and opinions from someone who is passionate about nutrition and exclusively breastfeeding, and who worked her tail off to stick to it (with a small stint of allergy-formula), then don't read my story. You've been warned, I don't like mean comments, and I'm not starting a debate. I just felt inclined to share my story in case anyone was interested in reading it, although it's so long you probably wont get to the end!

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Maybe it's on my mind because a good friend of mine is a new mom all over again and working hard to get breastfeeding off to the right start. Or maybe it's on my mind because for me it's over, yet I was still able to cuddle and rock my little boy back to sleep when he needed comfort at 3:18 AM this morning as he battles the molar that refuses to break through.


Becoming Informed about Breastfeeding 
Being the youngest it's not like I grew up being exposed to breastfeeding in my own home. I don't know at what point I learned that that's how babies are feed. I just kinda knew. One of my first memories of someone explicitly telling me I think was when I was in college, but I don't remember exactly. I recall talking about breastfeeding with my best friend's mom. We were in the car driving somewhere together and we  heard the sad stories of cracked nipples and terrible pain and the relief that only came from bag-balm (as a dancer with cracked feet, I was well acquainted with bag-balm). We heard of the shamming that occurred from her mother-in-law for not choosing to bottle-feed. Perhaps that was my first encounter of learning about the generation that (in my opinion) was a bit brainwashed (although really they were misinformed) by marketing and well-meaning doctors that bottle-feeding was superior to breastfeeding. Cindy related her story and told us that as a young mother she couldn't afford to bottle-feed even if she had wanted to. Luckily a tight budget actually forced her to actually give her children what we now know is the superior form of nutrition.

It's interesting to me -- "food-science" -- always seemingly trying to come up with a better way. When, in fact, nature had this one pretty much figured out since the beginning of man. Literally, since the first babies were being born to Eve. I am grateful that science kept doing it's research and actually came around to recognizing the meticulousness of God's way. The incredible ability for supply to magically meet demand, the incredible way protection against sickness is passed from mom to baby, the incredible change in the perfect ratio of fat-content and changing composition of the milk as baby grows. Seriously a miracle that no science can duplicate.

I was luckily exposed to some breastfeeding when I was older, because I had sisters-in-law who all chose to breastfeed. Albeit the length of their breastfeeding varied greatly between each mom. Nevertheless they all chose to start that way and I was able to get a bit of exposure to it.

I continued to become informed about breastfeeding when I was pregnant with Luke through a variety of avenues. My midwife, Sherri, was not only an amazing caretaker, guardian, and friend to the mommas whom she was helping to bring our babies in to the world, but she was also an educator. Every month there would be a forum on a particular topic. New moms were expected to come to gain the information we needed to be prepared for birth and new motherhood and experienced moms were invited to be in attendance to offer insight and support. It truly was amazing to be with these women and glean from their wisdom. Somewhere along Sherri's many years of midwifery practice someone crocheted a visual aid for her forum on breastfeeding. A small plumply stuffed skin-colored breast, complete with areola and nipple in a darker shade of yarn. This usually evoked some sort of laughter, not because we were immature, but because Sherri just has that lighthearted way of being that makes you laugh and smile about things as she teaches and tells stories.

So my breastfeeding education was on going. Sherri taught us about it. My hypnobabies birth class covered it.  The moms at my book club talked about it. My friend Brittney invited new or soon-to-be-moms to Le Leche League meetings held at the Provo library. Friends were emailing and sharing resources they've loved about it. I got books as shower gifts about it. Soon I was getting breast-feeding information from everywhere! And the things I was learning were starting to transition from "oh I had no idea" and "Wow, that's so interesting!" to "Yeah, I know."

. . . and then I never breastfed. I was shortly learning about milk donation options and friends were telling me tips and tricks for natural ways to get your supply to dry up. Cabbage leaves. Oils. I was learning a whole new set of information.

Now that I reflect on it is so evident the hole that is there. The everything that I had prepared so diligently for was gone, just like that. I was engorged and on the other end of the breastfeeding journey.

Second Attempt at Breastfeeding
Luckily it wasn't long (although it felt like an eternity) before I was back to the beginning again. Although this time there was almost no new information. It was more of, "oh yeah, I forgot about that." I found the local Le Leche League chapter in Fairfax and I started going. It was time to get ready again. They sent me home with a packet of information that got glanced at and tucked away in my nightstand with a bunch of other reading material I'd get around to eventually. Perhaps when some of the unpacking settled down.

One morning near the end of my pregnancy I decided to pull it out and review some of the information. I don't remember what facts and information I particularly gleaned from that review, but I remember that by that night I was quite grateful to have refreshed my memory because that was the day Jeremy was born and I was attempting to put it all to practice.

Since I had heard some stories of some babies latching on instinctively almost immediately after birth I thought he might start nursing right away. I guess I really didn't know how soon he was supposed to start nursing, but I knew it was soon. Luckily I was able to hold Jeremy skin-to-skin immediately after birth and it wasn't long before I offered him the breast.

In spite of reading and looking at pictures and Sherri's visual aids and the video demonstrations -- in the moment I could't remember all I had learned about how to get them to latch on properly. What was properly? I couldn't even remember! So we worked at it through the night he and I. And knowing newborns need to be woken up to be fed I dutifully set my alarm for about every 2 hours so I could wake up, wake him up, and try again. I wasn't used to holding a newborn. In fact I was pretty clueless about it. It was hard to hold his head and keep it propped up and use my other arm to try to get him latched on well. It was awkward and challenging. It may be "all natural," but just yet there was nothing natural about it going on in our dark little hospital room. Not to mention my frustrations when I'd fall back asleep the the nurses would come in to check vitals, first mine and then his.

The next morning I attempted to ask the lactation consultant for assistance after she made her routine stop to my room. She was about to just leave after simply dropping off a thick packet about breastfeeding (seriously?! Who's alert enough to just read about it now! Isn't it a little late for this?! And this is the education you're getting paid to offer? The ridiculousness of some things in the medical world will never cease to amaze me!) When I tried to get her help to see if we were getting a good latch and how to better hold him, she practically seemed embarrassed to see my breast. It was so weird. It seemed like I was more comfortable than she was and I was the one that was feeling awkward with the whole nursing thing so far. Fortuntaly the midwives at GWU are committed to making sure breastfeeding gets off to a good start so when I asked Sierra and Hannah for help once they made their rounds they were able to show me how to better hold him and gave me confidence as she looked at his latch and told us we were naturals.

With each feeding I felt like it got a little easier and little better. It wasn't instant. It was a process, but I knew I just had to stick to it. It was painful at first. I don't remember how long that lasted. A week. Maybe two. I knew to expect that and I knew it would get better. It did. Eventually I no longer had to cringe in pain as he latched on and eventually the uterine contractions eased off. I was grateful I knew to expect this and was confident I could endure it. I continued to regularly set an alarm both in the hospital and after we got home to wake up for feedings. I don't remember how far in to it I was, but at some point I remember feeling like an absolute zombie and thinking to myself am I really planning on continuing this for at least a year?! I was sure there was no way I could do it, but I just pressed on. Some nights I was so tired that I would nurse Jeremy walking around the house so I could keep myself awake.

Becoming a Natural
Eventually I stopped setting the alarm for feedings and we both gradually improved enough with nursing that I could soon nurse without having to become completely topless to see what was going on and Jeremy could hold his head up enough so it wasn't nearly as difficult. We actually got so good that I nursed him in the sling while touring around town. I could nurse so discretely around the house that friends didn't even realize I was nursing. And I even nursed in the ergo while I participated in a round of bowling. Perhaps I just found a way to nurse anywhere and everywhere because I didn't want to miss out on the fun things going on around us and I didn't want to make other people wait for me when we were out and about.

It seems like some people just love the time they spend nursing their little ones. On a regular basis there wasn't particularly anything magical about it for me. In fact, a lot of the time it felt like I chore, especially when I was feeling soo sleep deprived. It seems like some women find it to be a splendid time to connect with their baby. Even though we were physically connecting my mind would often wander through all sorts of things that usually had little do to with Jeremy. Other times I would recline the chair and we'd just fall asleep together. Perhaps this was because I usually didn't know when he was DONE nursing. In fact, I think he was never done. I googled it and tried to look for videos to see the difference between sucking and swallowing versus just sucking to pacify. The best information online I found seemed to result in some foolish advice like "just look at them, you can tell!" Well I was looking but I could not tell. What a relief when we finally switched to nursing right after waking up as opposed to just before sleep. He was done when we wanted to do other things!

Breastfeeding Trials
I don't remember his measurements the percentiles or exactly how old Jeremy was, but I'm pretty sure it was around the 4 month mark when I also see so many other moms posting to facebook things about their baby starting to fall off the growth chart and the need to supplement and to question their milk supply. Jeremy was also put in the "he's falling off the chart" category. And his doctor did not hesitate to question my milk supply. (Nevermind the fact that the doctor was still ignoring my allergy concerns and the puddles of milk Jeremy was still spitting up at this point!). I try to not get too caught up on "measurements" because it's a range and being so nit-pickey with data is something that I kinda thing is ridiculous when there are no other signs of delays. Nevertheless I, like any good mom, let the doctors concerns about his size and came home and started googling everything I could to make sure I was doing the right thing by just continuing to breastfeed. So I googled about knowing how and if your milk supply had dropped or not.  I also did a LOT of digging trying to find more information about the "growth chart." When was it made? What data was it based off of? Is it comprised of data for formula and breastfed babies? Is it changing to correspond with current data? Are current babies and children actually obese because of all the junk people eat now? I couldn't find all the answers to these questions but I did find some extensive information about breastfeeding from the World Health Organization. I was reassured that if babies in foreign countries could still be exclusively breastfed at Jeremy's age than Jeremy certainly was no different.

Fortunately I also knew a lot from my intense study on nutrition --babies at that age DO NOT need solids. Their little digestive tracks aren't developed enough to handle it. It was too soon to start and when we started it wasn't going to be the ever-popular, 20th century invention of fortified rice cereal. It was going to be some sort of good ol' fashioned food that existed before food science or processed food. Something like an avocado or banana. So I just kept on nursing! And when I mentioned the doctors concern of his size to friends, particularly those with kids, they reassured me that he looked perfectly healthy. Sometimes a mom-of seven-children's advice has more weight than an chart-loving doctor. I was particularly relieved when my mom saw Jeremy about that time and also reassured me, "That's exactly how all my babies looked, none of you ever got big fat rolls."

When we finally correlated Jeremy's terrible reflux to the dairy I was consuming and that the rashes were connected to eggs, I gave those up and we saw some real improvements. I committed to an elimination diet to try to determine why Jeremy was still suffering from his bad eczema. It was actually getting worse once I was consuming almost only beans and legumes in addition to occasional outbreaks of hives and rashes. I would nurse him and just cry because I felt like I was possibly just feeding him poison. I felt so lost and so desperate and so devastated that I was potentially unknowingly offering him milk that was making him sick. Trevor suggested we just try to give him a bottle. So he went out and purchased the most hyperallergenic formula there is. Once mixed it smelled like rotten vegtables! After a day of drinking only some formula I was left with a tired and screaming baby. Despite Trevor's desire to try to just force him to get hungry enough, I couldn't. So again I just cried and calmed his tired screaming cries with my milk. And I cried some more not feeling ready to give up nursing him and thinking that this might be the end.

The Beginning of the End
At about one year I remember commenting to a friend that we were still nursing. I wasn't ready to stop and neither was Jeremy. I didn't have an exact end-date in mind. Yet after months of elimination diets and pressing on with nursing I was still left always wondering if Jeremy's health (and stool) was affected by my milk versus something he ate. I was happy that we did at least make it to a year. Nevertheless I was beginning to be weary of all the restrictions to my own diet and knew I wasn't up for tandem nursing since we knew baby number 3 was on the way. So I started to read up on how to wean.

Slowly, was the answer I came to. We began to drop some feedings here and there.  More on busy days. Around 15 months Jeremy finally picked up on some baby signs and particularly for eat. So in the mornings I'd ask him if he wanted to nurse (as I'd tap my hand on my chest) or if he wanted to eat (as I did the sign). At first most days it was nurse, but soon his preference changed and he'd tell me to "eat eat eat" by doing the sign.

The End of Jeremy's Nursing
I assume it was teething that caused Jeremy to start waking up in the middle of the night again. I'd go in and nurse him and he'd quickly fall asleep in my lap, but I was wide awake. There was something so sweet and special about these night wakings. I was so alert and just totally enamored and loving getting to snuggle and hold my now ever-so-busy toddling baby. I always knew I wouldn't know when the last time would be that I nursed him, but it wasn't long before I realized that these sweet night feedings were indeed the end.

Perhaps as an answer to my prayers to know how to continue the process of weaning we were "blessed" with colds. Jeremy had the stuffiest most congested nose he's ever had! Oh it was a miserable week for everyone! Night wakings, screaming, possibly teething-pain from the final stubborn molar that seemed to be moving both up and down depending on the day. Mamma came to comfort but nursing was impossible. I sat and held Jeremy and cried with him. I felt so bad for him to not be able to get the comfort he so desperately needed. I don't know which was worse the night wakings when I could offer no comfort or the mornings when the frustration would turn to crying tantrums screaming on the ground. I couldn't even hold him. It broke my heart. He was even to congested to use his pacifier. He cried. I cried. And we suffered through it together. Even after he was not congested I'd offer the breast when he would tug on my shirt trying to lift it up. He would just get mad though and pull my shirt down and turn his head away from me. He was DONE! I felt bad for him for being so mad about it, but I was grateful we had finally come to our end and grateful that the week before I had the sweet experience of just quietly cuddling him in the night.

Surprise --Back for an Encore!
It had been a couple weeks after Jeremy was done nursing (this was one day shortly after I started writing this nursing saga). I never got too engorged, possibly because my body just switched over to pre-baby milk supply instead. I don't know. Either way, I didn't seem to have much of a milk supply. Jeremy was back to sleeping through the night and then we had a random night waking. He was standing in his crib, handing my his blankey, ready to get out. We went to the rocking chair to cuddle and he began to lift up my shirt like he wanted to nurse. I figured he would just pull it down again like he had done previously, but NO! He actually started nursing. And then he wanted to nurse on the other side! It was so random and I had no real reason to refuse (unless of course it became a daily request again). So I just let him nurse and put him back to bed. I laughed at the silly little boy and the randomness of the incident. It's been over a week and it hasn't happened since. Who knows why it happened, but it was good to snuggle my little baby like that one last time.

Just Some Misc Stuff --Perks of Nursing

• Not having to bring any food with you in the early months.
• Being able to comfort the baby immediately when something terrible happens like a big fall or a smoke alarm falling on his head. 
• Being able to comfort and maintain hydration during sickness.
• Not having to worry about liquids going through the airport security --and the shocked TSA workers that you don't have any liquids or bottles! 
• Hassle free-feedings. Except for when I attempted pumping. That's Hassle with a capital H!

Jeremy nursing and holding his doggy (pacifier) while sick.